Adie

Moo.

Barry McWillahue Is Both Sad and Angry

    Shots were fired last Saturday as a result of the unruly and unexpected "Beef Rally" outside the Hearty Earth tofu packaging factory in Mokena, Wisconsin. Thousands of meat eaters targeted the tofu manufacturer because of its intended vegetarian audience, claiming that vegetarians and their franchises have been a direct cause to the damage in the ozone layer.

     Barry McWillahue, leader of the "Meat Pack," explains that vegetarians are the source of ozone destruction caused by the greenhouse effect because of their herbivorous diet. "It's a known fact that the methane in the air which is causing the massive hole in the ozone layer comes from cows' farts. Our BFA* teams have done extensive research proving that cows' gas is more potent and dangerous than aerosol cans, oil, and car exhaust combined." McWillahue states that because vegetarians do not eat meat, the bovine population is reaching higher numbers than ever before. "We need vegetarians to leave the bean curd behind and go for a juicy steak to cut down the growing cow numbers. Those greenies have to do their part, too!"

Could It Become "The Brown Planet"?

     Methane is produced by bacteria in cows' stomachs that break down and ferment fodder during digestion. It is stated that a single cow produces about 600 liters of methane each day- enough methane to inflate over 40 party balloons. According to researcher Samuel Kaharabata at McGill University in Montreal, Canada, "methane is expected to cause between 15 and 17 percent of the global warming over the next 50 years."

     Methane is 21 times more powerful than CO2, and remains in the atmosphere for 12 years. Decreasing the amount of methane in Earth's atmosphere will produce an immediate solution to global warming because of its short decade-long residence in our atmosphere. During that time, scientists and researchers can find a more permanent resolution to the ozone problem, but they need the extra help so that the crisis does not grow worse in the meanwhile.

     Enteric fermentation, or flatulence, "is a hot issue in Canada," Kaharabata adds, where there have been calls to reduce cattle numbers. Thus, a reported 8,000 picketers marched around Hearty Earth in northern Wisconsin waving signs promoting beef consumption. Hearty Earth is seen as a vegetarian haven for the entire Midwest; Mokena, Wisconsin is home for over 15 vegetarian restaurants. The strong scent of steaks and hamburgers being grilled during the protesters' three day residence led Amy Indesta to phone the police in objection.

Amy Indesta Shows Disbelief, and Negotiation Tactics.

     "I really don't mind their protests. I mean, I support environmental concerns, too. I just don't get why they're targeting us. The smell of their barbeque is making me sick. I've been a vegan for 17 years now, and my tolerance level towards meat is way low. That's why I decided to move here, to get away from all that. I never expected it to [expletive] follow me." Indesta called local police station 173 to put an end to the stench early Saturday, Police arrived on the scene expecting a regular barbeque gone out of hand, but instead found a group of angry all-beef eaters. Upon noticing the police, the thousands of protestors panicked and began what would become the most dangerous riot in Wisconsin history. To quell the crowd, police fired 72 rubber bullets, which put 14 men in the hospital for stomach wounds and internal bleeding.

     Authorities nationwide are concerned that "Beef Rallys" such as this one will take place in other locations, spreading the destruction and hatred of vegetarians. Police and members of the National Guard have been dispersed between delis, supermarkets and butcheries within a three mile radius of each vegetarian-friendly restaurant and tofu packaging factory in order to keep an eye on habitual beef buyers. "When it comes to stuff like this, you can't be too safe or too prepared," Sergeant John Zelpher said in between bites of his double cheeseburger.

(0)Comments